Intoducing the HCG

If I had a pound for every time somebody said to me “Well what do you want to do with your life?” id be a rich man, id be just as rich if I had a pound for every time I responded with a morose “Dunno”. The truth is, deep down I do know what I want to do with my life, and this is threefold. First of all, I want to rid the world of work bummers (WBs), the second phase of my plan is to bring First E into the social conscience and push it to levels of popularity which it currently strives for and can only dream about, and the third part of my grand plan is to have the HCG as the worlds largest and most respected secret society in the world.

Allow me elaborate on each of these goals in turn.

I think it was Confucius who said “If you love what you do you’ll never work a day in your life”, well for 99% of people, this does not apply, if you are in the 1% minority then maybe the AWB isn’t for you.

Let me ask you a question which contains two parts, if you were asked to attend a 2 hour meeting at work, what would your initial thought be? And the second part of the question is, during the afore mentioned meeting would you a) Take notes? and b) Ask questions?

Now that you’ve considered and hopefully landed upon an answer to these questions, let me say that if your answer to part two of the question was ‘Yes’ then stop reading this blog right now and fuck off back to your desk because you are the scurge of the workplace and quite possibly the earth and should be burnt at the stake. If your answer to the 2^nd part of the question was a firm ‘No’, then read on my friend, read on…

At this point, I’m sure you now have a vague idea as to what a work bummer is. Now if you will allow me to refer to the first part of my question in the above paragraph, “If you were asked to attend a 2 hour meeting at work, what would your initial thought be?”, a work bummers answer would be any one if not multiple of the following:

1. YES! A Chance to air my views about the company and its practices
2. Excellent, this gives me the perfect opportunity to use the notebook I bought out of my own money just for work related note making
3. I wonder if ill get the honour of ‘keeping minutes’
4. I don’t care if this meeting runs late and I have to stay late as a result
5. Good, I need a forum in which to ask the 12 questions I thought of whilst at home last night

Anyway, you get the idea. What we’re striving for here at AWB is for the majority of people to think the following.

1. God, this better not run late
2. This is gonna be SO boring
3. Out of all the people in the meeting, if I had to, who would I nail?
4. Fuck sake, not another meeting
5. Shall I burn my toast just to set off the fire alarm to scupper this meeting?

In short, a work bummer is someone who lives for their job, sticks exactly to the guidelines set by their company, talks about work at break times and in the free time, comes in on their day off just to ‘Say Hi’, bring their new born baby into work to show people, comes in early and leaves late, says ‘No problem’ when people try to fob work off on them, taking new employees on nights out to ‘help them settle into the area’, continually says to their boss “Thanks for this opportunity”, thinks they have an amazing job when in fact its terrible etc.

Of course, there are many variations to all of these, but they are all in some way related to the above points. The bottom line is, that work bummers live for their job and think about it 24/7. They live it, dream about it, eat it, drink it, and sleep it. They are always thinking what impact peoples actions will have on their employer.
And this is what we are trying to eradicate people!

This leads my nicely into my brief outline of First E, if you are a true non-work bummer then one of your pastimes will be continually emailing your friends throughout the working hours of the day discussing and arguing about things that quite frankly just do not matter.
If this sounds like you then why not turn your daily emails into an exhilarating and action packed game. Introducing: FIRST E.
First E has been running since 2007 and the rules are simple, within a your E Group*, whoever send the first email of the day….. wins! The email MUST however contain the phrase ‘First E’, points are allocated on a daily basis and totted up at the end of the year to reveal the years winner.
*The group of friends which are in your emails 


There are also ways to gather bonus points within First E, you will receive a pre determined amount of bonus points if your first E contains any of the following:
1. A Gangsta phrase
2. Lyrics to a hip-hop song
3. A made up story about one of your friends being a hustler/pimp etc
4. Changing every letter ‘S’ in your email to a ‘Z’

You will also win the season outright if you manage to change a fellow First E’ers desktop wallpaper to the “Korn.com: enter here” picture. This has never been achieved in the sport and is known in the business as a ‘Korning’.

So now you know the rules let me introduce to you the 3 current professional E’ers working the circuit.
NAME: Chris O’Gorman
AGE: 25
JOINED FIRST E: 2007
EMAIL PROVIDER: Hotmail
TOTAL CAREER FIRST E’S: 862
TOTAL FIRST E CHAMPIONSHIPS: 3

NAME: Daniel Burns
AGE: 25
JOINED FIRST E: 2007
EMAIL PROVIDER: Mac
TOTAL CAREER FIRST E’S: 812
TOTAL FIRST E CHAMPIONSHIPS: 2

NAME: Matthew Kerry
AGE: 26
JOINED FIRST E: 2010
EMAIL PROVIDER: Llavabit
TOTAL CARRER FIRST E’S: 2
TOTAL FIRST E CHAMPIONSHIPS: 0

There have been 2 previous competitors who have struggled to cope with the First E lifestyle and have subsequently fell by the wayside.

NAME: James ‘Gun-Sling’ Jowett
AGE: 26
JOINED FIRST E: 2007
EMAIL PROVIDER: Mobile me
TOTAL CARRER FIRST E’S: 149
TOTAL FIRST E CHAMPIONSHIPS: 0
NAME: Andrew Tonge
AGE: 26
JOINED FIRST E: 2007
EMAIL PROVIDER: Mac
TOTAL CARRER FIRST E’S: 0
TOTAL FIRST E CHAMPIONSHIPS: 0

Now what the board are really striving for is for First E to go viral, we want people all over the globe to be competing. So now you know, go forth and compete, and remember FIRSTE4EVA.

THE HCGThe HCG is a fraternal organisation that arose from obscure origins of K9 History lessons during 2002. The HCG exists in only one form, with current membership estimated at 4, with a list of 5 previous members. We share the same beliefs when it comes to First E and Work Bummers. Current members are Chris ‘PsychOG’ O’Gorman, Daniel ‘Bee’ Burns, Matthew ‘K-dogg’ Kerry, and Andrew ‘RB’ Tonge.
We love amongst other things to: rip ‘knobs’, argue about ridiculous things, kick lyrics on emails, road trips, dog cumming people, and condemn work bummers. 
So keep checking this blog to find out what we really think about the things you hate!

Turn it down!

I actually hate it when I'm sat on the train and theres some tosser listening to music so loud that I can hear the tinny noise from their headphones at the other end of the carriage.  It's normally a chav, which makes it worse.

There's one that gets on the train at my stop every morning and I have to make sure I sit in a different carriage.  Yes, it's that bad.

To top it off, they think they're mint and that everyone around them thinks they are 'rad'.

I wouldn't mind though, if you were as cool as these 'Katz'...

OK, so we finally made it.  The HCG are online.

For those of you that don't know, there are 3 of us in The HCG.  We get bored a lot, we moan a lot and things annoy us more often than not. So we decided to blog about it!